Mother vs. daughter: the eternal matchup

“If you’ve never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent.”–Bette Davis

“Suddenly, through birthing a daughter, a woman finds herself face to face not only with an infant, a little girl, a woman-to-be, but also with her own unresolved conflicts from the past and her hopes and dreams for the future…. As though experiencing an earthquake, mothers of daughters may find their lives shifted, their deep feelings unearthed, the balance struck in all relationships once again off kilter.”  –Elizabeth Debold and Idelisse Malave

Oh, I can already envision how the teenage years are going to be; I’ve got a one-year-old going on 15.

Teenage Baby B: “Mom, can I go to Suzie’s house?”

Me: “Did you do your homework?”

Teenage Baby B: “I did most of it in study hall. I’ll do the rest before school tomorrow.”

Me: “No, you’re going to finish your homework before you go to your friend’s house.”

Teenage Baby B: “Well, too bad, because I didn’t bring that book home since I knew I’d do it tomorrow before school.”

Me: “Then I’m either driving you back to school to get the book and you can go to Suzie’s after you finish your homework, or you can go to your room for the rest of the night and think about why it’s important to do your homework before doing other things.”

Teenage Baby B: “But, Mom, that’s not fair! You know I’ll get it done tomorrow! I hate you!” [stomp, stomp, stomp, SLAM!]

Me: [pulling my hair out]

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Yes, I can see into the future, and it doesn’t look pretty. I’ve mentioned before that Baby B has put up a battle of wills with me, but it’s really beginning to peak. And the scary thing? I know this isn’t the worst it’s going to get!

Just ask The Husband, but I am not exaggerating when I say that Baby B will be fine with him, but then as soon as I enter the picture, her personality changes and she becomes contrary, stubborn, and obstinate. She not only favors The Husband, but will shun me at the same time. I could handle it if she had a preference for him but still liked me…but that is not that case.

If I ask her to drink her milk, she won’t. If The Husband asks her to drink her milk, she will.

If I ask for a kiss, she runs the other way. If The Husband asks for a kiss, she grabs his head to pull it closer for a kiss.

If I ask if she wants help taking her coat off, she throws a tantrum on the floor. If The Husband asks if she wants help taking her coat off, she runs to him with her arms out, ready to cooperate.

At first it was a little amusing. Oh look, it’s daddy’s little girl. But now it’s turned into, “Mommy, I don’t like you,” and I can’t lie…it hurts my feelings. The Husband tries not to do things that encourage this behavior. So now, if I ask for a kiss and don’t get it, he won’t take advantage of that and let her give him all of the kisses. He’ll decline the kiss temporarily and say, “That wasn’t very nice to Mommy. She wants to give you kisses too.”

I was completely mortified yesterday when I picked up Baby B at daycare. She’s resisted leaving daycare with me for probably a month or so, and I just always put on a smile and joked with the teacher that I bet I got the Mother of the Year Award for my child not wanting to go home with me. (What must they think we do to her at home that makes her not want to leave?!)

Yesterday was a disaster. It took me ten minutes to convince her to put her coat on, and by “convince her,” I actually mean “had to literally pin her down on the floor and force her coat on as she was crying.” I was so embarrassed as the teacher watched this, as well as when another parent came in to witness this display. I carried a thrashing Baby B to the car, where she proceeded to scream the whole way home. I know kids often feed off our stress, so I turned up the Christmas tunes and acted like I didn’t have the shrieking in my ear. This did not help the situation. We got home, and Baby B fought me on every.single.thing when we got home. The Husband arrived home, and I pretty much said, “I can’t deal with this anymore,” and I took The Dog for a walk so I could get away. Naturally, she was a perfect angel for him and started acting up again only when I returned. It’s a losing battle some days.

And the awful thing is that when she treats me like this, it reminds me of all those times that I wasn’t very nice to my mom, either. I’m sure I told her I hated her on any number of occasions, though I don’t think I ever really meant it. I remember I uninvited my mom to my high school graduation because of some argument or another. (We got over it shortly thereafter and both my parents were in attendance at graduation.) I remember literally not speaking to my mom for a whole week when my parents said I couldn’t live on campus my freshman year of college.

I took so many things out on her — usually undeserved. I never thought about things from her point of view, but I certainly do now, and I can’t imagine how hurt she must have been all those times. Her much-desired daughter saying such awful things to her and treating her so poorly.

But that seems to be the cycle of mothers and daughters — of parents and children. You never fully appreciate the love and sacrifices they made for you until you’ve stepped into the role of a parent yourself. As a mom, I’m doomed to be the on receiving end of tantrums without much appreciation for all that I do for her…and this won’t change until Baby B becomes a parent herself.

So I’ll go on doing what I think is best for Baby B, knowing that even if she doesn’t show her appreciation now, she’ll come around one day. It’s a long wait to get full recognition for your good job as a parent, but as with everything else having to do with Baby B, it’s well worth it. There are times now that, as an adult, I’m still annoyed by my mom, but I try to put that aside and let her know that I appreciate everything she’s done for me.

I know she’s been waiting a long time to hear and feel that. My wait continues, but I look forward to the day when Baby B gets it.