Cope a feel

I hesitated about when to start talking about trying for mythical child #2 on the blog, because I thought for sure that as soon as I said something about it, that very next cycle I would be pregnant and would seem silly for even bringing it up.

Unfortunately, I learned yesterday that the above scenario will not play out, and we’re now moving on to cycle #14. I’ve got a consultation with my ob/gyn on the 17th to discuss what we’re going to do next, though it won’t be in time to do anything medically this cycle. I’m okay with this, as it’s the last bit of time before my half marathon in late March, so I can continue to prepare for it without guilt.  I’m not sure what direction he’ll recommend, but some options could include an HSG and/or CD3 blood work (since we skipped both of those for financial reasons before Clomid), or just moving on to IUI. I’m trying to keep an open mind about it, though will certainly go into it knowledgeable about my options.

Seeing yet another cycle come and go has made me think even more about my coping mechanisms during all of this. I think I’m actually dealing with things pretty well — having Baby B and just a fun family life in general is certainly a good distraction — but it doesn’t hurt to occasionally assess my coping strategies to determine how well they’re working for me. I seem to have three main coping mechanisms:

1. Physical activity. For the most part it’s been running, but with my shin issues I’ve had to focus more on the elliptical, bike, and weight machines at the gym, and I must say that I LOVE those things. Like, this is how I should feel about running but just never have. Doing any of these physical activities (even running!) is just a good physical release for any frustrations I feel, so I’m very glad I’m able to channel that into something positive. I might not be where I want, but I feel strong, and that takes you a long way.

2. Letting myself feel my negative emotions. Usually on the day I start a new cycle, I’m pretty pissed off. Everything sucks, why isn’t it my turn, why does everyone else get what they want and I don’t, etc. But I’ve found that it’s best to let myself feel that anger, frustration, and sometimes hopelessness — and then I can better move on. Come day 2 of the cycle, I’ve gotten it out of my system and can better move forward to the next one. It’s the same thing when someone has “passed” me and has become pregnant with child #2 either as a surprise or within a very short amount of time, especially if they started trying after  us. It’s not that I’m unhappy for them, but it makes me sad for myself and I find myself wondering why I can’t be there too. So I let myself get pissed off about so-and-so getting pregnant on the first try…then once I get out those negative emotions, I’m able to move on and (generally) be happy for the person. I’m not sure I could do that as easily if I didn’t just accept my negative feelings about it.

3. Planning trips. This one is a little different, and I’m not completely sure why I do this, but when I find out a cycle has failed, I always feel the urge to go to Expedia and plot out trips to various places. Sometimes I follow through on those itineraries (hence the many trips we took in 2009!), and sometimes I just like to make itineraries that I know aren’t realistically possible (usually because of financial constraints), but I let myself pretend that it would be feasible. I think partly I do this because it gives me something to look forward to (especially when I really do plan a trip out of it) and gives me something to distract from all the waiting. I think it’s also along the lines of “HA! I couldn’t do THIS trip as easily with a tiny newborn!” and helping me accept our family status as it is right now.

Each person’s coping mechanisms are different, and what works for one person might not work for another. But I think the most important thing is having some coping mechanism — and some good distractions — in place to get through this challenging time, since I don’t know whether it’ll take another month or many, many months. As of right now, I feel like I’m in a good place with it.