A few months ago, Serenity suggested that she and I meet up in New York City for a girls’ weekend in mid-December. Her uncle has an apartment there where we can crash, I’d never been, and we hadn’t seen each other for a while, so we made the plans and were so excited. Planning trips is a great coping mechanism for me, so it was perfect.
Well, then she got pregnant and I was faced with the very real possibility of having to see her in NYC with her being pregnant and me not. Even before we’d planned our trip, I knew her pregnancy would be a hard one for me; most other people I can just write off and shut out temporarily if I don’t want to deal with it, but I don’t consider that an option with her. Even though she was amazing back when I was pregnant with Baby B and she was still struggling with primary infertility, and I should have been able to do the same for her, I just wasn’t sure how I would react.
It wasn’t pretty. (And that’s an understatement.) This sent me into a spiral that resulted in quite a bit of insomnia as I tried to work on accepting the situation. To a degree, she understood why I was reacting that way, but I know it still hurt her that I couldn’t openly celebrate her good news, much as I really did want be able to do deep down. I knew that in person I would probably be fine and normal around her by the time the trip rolled around, but internally it was going to be super-hard and it sort of felt like my usual coping mechanism blew up right in my face. Fail.
Then she had some spotting and cramping. Not good. And her betas started to go down instead of up. She had an early miscarriage right around the same time I was beginning my most recent cycle. Crap.
Didn’t I feel like an ass. This goes without saying, but I didn’t want anything BAD to happen to her. I just wanted good stuff to happen for ME too.
I immediately started my next IUI cycle, with the procedure scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving. Which meant that I would find out the result right before our trip to NYC.
The day before my positive test, I told Serenity, “You know, irony dictates that this will probably work. I was all upset about you being pregnant in NYC and not me, and now there’s the chance that I could be pregnant and you not, with it being difficult for you now.”
And, as you know, I got a positive. Irony is sort of a bitch that way, huh?
But here’s the kicker. Serenity has been amazing yet again. It probably helps that right now I don’t necessarily want to talk about it too much anyway, so she doesn’t have to worry about me finding any excuse to bring it up. I’m sure it still must be upsetting to her on some level, and I’m know there’s a part of her that secretly hates me a little (we’ve already discussed this), but she has been way more gracious than I have been. It puts me to shame, really, but I am so fortunate to have her around.
She will be (begrudingly) beginning a fresh IVF cycle next month in an attempt at child #2. No matter what happens with my current pregnancy, I really, really hope that I’m able to learn a thing or two from her about how better to react in this situation. Naturally it’ll be easier for me to deal with if I’m still pregnant myself, but if that’s not the case, I need to find a way to be at peace about it. I don’t want to repeat the misery of last time.
So now we meet up in New York City later tonight, her on a bus from Boston and me on a flight from Louisville. Our theme of the weekend is: “EPIC! but on a budget.” We will eat our way through the city, play tourists, take lots of pictures, catch a Broadway show, no doubt commiserate on the unfairness and unpleasantries of infertility, and in general celebrate our wonderful friendship. We realized that next month will be five years that we’ve officially known each other — but it shocks us both to know it’s only been that long. It’s seemed like a lifetime, but in a good way. I’m so fortunate to have her — and all of my wonderful friends — in my life.